I may not have had facial hair or piercings, but I did have frosted tips (high school grad photo, 2003)

It’s interesting to look back on how you’ve changed. 

Looking at old pictures recently, memories start flooding into my mind. Friends that meant the world to me who I don’t talk to anymore. Activities that I enjoyed that I never take part in anymore. And the question, “who was I back then?”

There’s a word that comes to mind that best describes my personality. Chameleon. The reptile is well known for one main characteristic, the ability to change its color to match its environment. 

As a high schooler, I was on good terms with most of my colleagues. Whether it was the popular jocks, the Asians who barely spoke english and spent time in the math room during lunch, the skaters who would smoke weed and skate all day, the choir and band geeks, and everyone in between, I was on speaking terms with the majority. 

I don’t think it was a conscious decision, but I learned the style of language used by each group, the subject matter of interest, the mannerisms, and in some way shape or form, mimicked them when I was with them. I tried to relate, and I think this was partly due to my obsession with being liked. 

Up until my mid to late twenties, I put a great amount of effort into being likeable. I knew how to make people laugh and relied on comedy most of the time. But I also knew how to have substance in my conversations. I enjoyed learning about new subject matter, so talking to people about themselves was really easy. 

But it devastated me when someone didn’t like me. For some reason, if they rejected me, I would try harder to find a way to make them like me. I would change my behavior, change my stance on different viewpoints, and become fluid. 

I don’t want you to misinterpret. I did have some core beliefs and values that I wouldn’t change, but I was also easily moldable. 

But then things started to change. When I talk to people that are older, they give you the same feedback. 

“You just realize that time is more important, and you don’t want to waste your time with people you don’t want to spend it with.”

“Your circle of people you spend time with becomes smaller.”

And most importantly and rather bluntly, “You just learn to not give a fuck.”

I think that in some ways, I’m a lot more rough around the edges than I was before. I don’t care as much about the opinions of others in regards to who I am. I do have a core group of people whose opinion of me does make a difference and is important, but that group is much smaller. Now I tend to shrug it off if someone chooses not to like me. It’s just an opinion, right?

But it’s a hard balance. You also don’t want to go so far on the side of thinking that it doesn’t matter what anyone thinks, that you’re always misunderstood or that no one will ever get you or understand what you’re going through. 

Being comfortable and confident in yourself and your perspectives is a part of growing up and learning about yourself. I believe that being able to share your perspectives with others while being open enough to listen to a viewpoint that is different from what you think is the beginning of a healthy balance. 

And I believe it’s about time I stop changing colors.  

13 years old, so full of hopes, dreams, and a sick combover (Fall 1998)